I have started and not finished so many blog posts since I last wrote. Upshot is, life has become really busy again. I just about get to the end of my excuses when suddenly I have run out of time and have to go.
last night I watched a documentary on BBC2 called A Time To Live. If you have a vpn you can set to UK you can watch it here
sorry but faffing about trying to make links and photos look nice from my phone is something that ends up taking up far too much time and pushing me over my allocated blogging time if I am going to have a shot and getting back to this little corner of the web I am going to have to take it back to basics!!
I loved the documentary, it is 12 stories of people living with terminal illness and on the bbc2 site you can watch extended versions of each interview. It gave me so much food for thought and really spoke to that part of me that wants to move on from cancer but also wants to hang on to that glimpse of a better way to appreciate life that I feel I gained when I was living through treatment. The glimpse I have since worried about losing, know I am losing. I don’t want to just forget what happened and go back to the day to day forgetting to savor the moments or make memories and not just get my house in order but keep it in order. Because I really sympathize with a lot of the views expressed, that the world can seem a brighter and more beautiful place when you are forced to face up to the fact your life might not be as long as you had hoped. That impulse I had to organize my photos for the kids, make them blankets or other tangible reminders of me. In the back of the mind of anyone who has gone through cancer is the threat of it coming back. I know it might and while I don’t want that thought to be a negative I can use it to make sure I keep living and enjoying the time I do have, and don’t wait until I am finally given an expiry date.
Finally we have a headboard for our bed! After a couple of years of uncomfortably stacking pillows between my back and the cold wall behind it at last I can sit up in bed in luxurious comfort. Weekend mornings are the one time I demand to be left alone for an hour or so to have a cup of tea and just be free of orders/complaints/endless meandering stories that I never quite understand. It is a slice of time that has not been easy to carve out for myself and it is still very much a work in progress (as a small shadow darkens my door waving a picture for my consideration) but on the whole I think I am a pretty responsive, attentive, parent to two children who, in my opinion, rank fairly highly on the emotional/attention needs scale (is there such a thing? Maybe I score high on the need for my own space scale). and now coming up fast on a decade of motherhood I am finally getting firmer about demanding my right to my own space and time. Even in the form of an hour to drink tea in peace, twice a week.
So the headboard.. you probably have one. Most competent grown ups do, I imagine. But our bedroom is the most forgotten, abandoned wasteland of the whole house. We don’t even have curtains, or pictures on the wall. So this is a proud acheivement and now I am browsing etsy and pinterest like mad to find inspiration to finally get our room looking finished. We made it ourself and it was super easy, no I don’t have any progress photos, it was that quick. Glue foam to wood, wrap batting around and staple it to the back of the wood. Wrap fabric around and staple aswell. Hang it on the wall. There is no reasonable excuse for why it took so long.
Carrie´s Warwith my oldest. We have just started but the first chapter left us wanting more…
we are also about halfway through Trucker´sbut it hasn’t really sucked us in which is a bit disappointing because I LOVED the Discworld novels as a teenager and thought the Bromeliad Trilogy would be a great place to start.
Big hits with the 9 year old for reading to himself are the Wimpy Kid books, David Walliams, Futbolisimos and Big Nate. Once he finds a book he likes he is an avid reader so I am constantly on the lookout for new suggestions.
Last week B and I went to a work lunch and were served Pasta Puttanesca and we have made it a few times at home since where it has been heartily welcomed into the regular rotation of meals, though it is more than a little obvious that a dish containing such unappealing components such as mushrooms and black olives is only accepted as a compromise in getting to eat a meal with such a naughty name (Cue hearty and repeated exclamations of Pasta PUTTAnesca throughout the meal)
I am finishing week 11 of the BBG and feeling really pleased with myself. I did my first round in 2014/2015 (18 weeks to be exact) before I suddenly hit a wall.. only to be diagnosed with colon cancer a few weeks later. It was somewhat gratifying in a bizarre and dark way to know that it wasn’t my advancing age and old bones and a decrepit pelvic floor that made me suddenly unable to continue where apparently hundreds had managed before me. After a year of treatment and surgeries left me with no muscle and masses of cellulite dimpling my skinny yet flaccid thighs I finally marshalled my willpower and got back on the wagon. I did the 4 week pre-bbg workout and then did week 1 to 6 of the BBG. After week 6 the workouts keep increasing in general mental-ness and I didn’t quite feel ready so I went back to week 1 and this time I felt fine to carry on through. I do modify some moves, jump lunges feel like a one way street all the way to a sprained ankle or twisted knee so I do them static. And the ones where you do a burpee and leap onto a bench have been abandoned in the wake of a slew of bruises and scrapes. But even with modifications it is still a hard workout that you can fit in just about anytime, anywhere. I plan to just keep doing 12 week loops until I get bored. I don´t see a massive change on the outside but have definitely made leaps and bounds in strength and fitness and I am trying to keep that as my main goal.
I am on the final straight with my swan for Y’s wall. I have been plodding away with it since November, although not solidly, and like most projects has lost its sparkle a little as it turned into something to be finished though as i now start the finishing up and putting together I am again excited to see the finished product. Hope to update on this very soon. If you like the look of these check out Vanessa Mooncie´s Animal Heads it was a present last christmas and I have made 2 fox heads (one as a gift and I loved him so much I made another for myself – he doesn´t look as boss-eyed in real life as he does here) and now the swan. O has a request queued for the stag head and then I will DEFINITELY need a break from animal heads for a while. I would not describe myself as anything more than a novice crochet-er so if you know the basic stitches and want a change from blankets I would absolutely recommend you give it a whirl.
I really want to do the blogging thing. But I have work. And two extremely active children with a social calendar better than mine ever was even at the peak of my uni partying days. My house seems to constantly need tidying just so we can walk through rooms without breaking our necks and WHY is there always so much goddamn laundry?! I am trying to get in daily exercise and fuck me if that doesnt take up time. Out of every. Single. Day. (Go figure) And I am on a mission to finish this crocheted swan if it kills me. This might sound cryptic so at some point I will try to blog about it. But right now I have 15 more rows of back feathers and about 20 rows of chest feathers to do.
I have 23 drafts sitting in the folder. 23 posts I have never got around to finishing because I got interrupted or distracted. Things I wanted to write about and never did:
– our amazing summer holiday in the north of spain
– christmas trips to london
– becoming partner in the company I work for
– latest scans and tests all clear (woot!)
– body image changes after cancer treatment (ongoing but working on it)
– progress after ileostomy reversal (in case it helps anyone else to know how its gone)
– what the fuck is going on with my hormones??!
Sometime I don’t post because I don’t have time to find a photo and it seems like an unwritten rule that all posts need a photo. So damn it I am posting this now. Good, bad, boring or not. It’s 0830. At 0900 I need to start my exercise so i can finish and be showered by 1000 because we have an excursion with friends today. I’ll get pictures.
I really want to get back to writing on here again. I think I am getting too bogged down in everything I haven´t written about and trying to get up to date and it is totally stifling me. Starting over seems like a good idea full stop. I never meant this blog to be only about ‘my cancer journey’ and really I have little more to say on that subject now. It happened but it is really not something that occupies much of my thoughts any more. Not to say things don’t or won’t come up but it is not at the forefront of my mind by a long shot.
Lately I am much more occupied with how to improve my children’s english, or getting better eating habits and working more exercise into my day. Making time to be lazy and watch tv and crochet between all the work and school and after school activity runs (hah!). Wondering if this will be a good year for work, will we ever buy our own home?? These are the things I think about. Not my mortality or treatments or all that shit. I am firmly back in the superficial and frivolous. It is so nice to be home.